When you get married no one really explains how to navigate the relationships you form with your partner’s friends.

Joining a family is a given. You spend lots of time thinking about your partner’s loved ones, wanting to impress them, making sure to stay away from taboo topics. You recognize that holidays aren’t just your own to spend with your family anymore. You’re going to have to sacrifice, bite your tongue, plaster on a smile, and get on with it at least three to six times a year. It’s family, and we all know to some degree how to operate in a family – even if it’s not our own.

Friends are a different animal because not all friends are created equal. There are the work friends, the childhood friends, the college friends, the friends of friends and the couple friends you make when you’re building a life together. I’ve had to learn how important each of these various friends are in my husband’s life and accommodate accordingly.

Then there’s Kyle.

Kyle is my husband’s best friend. They graduated from military school and lived together after college, so he doesn’t fit neatly in one of the aforementioned categories.

It’s fitting that I can’t place him in a group because Kyle is an eccentric guy. He’s usually two steps ahead of every conversation and is undeniably the smartest guy in most rooms. He is charismatic and charming in a way that only certain people find appealing. The descriptor “Loveable Curmudgeon” comes to mind.

Kyle has some demons; the best of the best usually do. These demons keep Kyle at arm’s length from most people, but I believe I was grandfathered into a genuine relationship with him via my husband. I’m grateful for this because Kyle is a person worth knowing.

On my 30th birthday, Kyle wrote the following to me in a letter that was meant for a keepsake book. This letter never made it into the book, but it was still one of my favorites. Here’s an excerpt:

“Usually, when a woman comes along and steals away a man’s gaming partner, drinking buddy, and ‘all around hey let’s do that stupid thing’ partner-in-crime, he’s apt to get upset. As such, I was, upon meeting you, fully prepared to despise you for an interloper whose deracination should be as expedient and painless as possible. Then, two rather peculiar and unexpected things happened: first, I met a woman whom, in spite of my best efforts, I found myself liking a great deal personally; second, and this is the clincher, I saw exactly how happy you made (and continue to make) my dearest friend.

As to the former, you and I seem kindred spirits in cynicism and acerbic wit. And how could any card-carrying narcissist not be enamored with someone who embodies so many of the qualities he prizes in himself? What’s more, though, you’re kind and generous and caring—a gracious hostess who doesn’t merely tolerate her boyfriend’s bothersome college roommate, you’re always both interested in (and concerned for) my well-being. For this last, you have both my enduring respect and heartfelt gratitude.”

I like to think that I didn’t really steal my husband from Kyle, but rather I got to join the gang. In light of this, when Kyle comes to visit, I like to think he’s coming to see both of us.

Now that you’ve got the background, let me explain why Kyle is the best kind of guest.

Kyle never arrives empty handed. He always brings some version of your favorite vice along for the weekend. It’s never a bottle of wine you don’t want or some baked good, but rather something bad for you like hard booze or cigars or the like. When he arrives – always on time – he makes himself right at home and just joins in the flow of the house. He plays with the dogs, agrees to whatever meal we want to make him, accompanies us on whatever errands need to be run, and feels totally comfortable taking a nap on our sofa.

Kyle is a teacher at heart, so there’s always a part of the visit where I feel like he’s teaching me something new. This last visit we discussed levels of consciousness, Eastern religions, and mental illness. Not light subjects or your typical polite conversation, but that’s part of Kyle’s charm as a guest.

Kyle appreciates anything you make him and carries on like whatever you’ve prepared is the best thing he’s had in ages. If you want to go to bed, there’s no need to stay up and entertain him. He has all the passwords to the electronics anyway. He never overstays his welcome and has certainly prescribed to the adage, “Always leave them wanting more.”

For these reasons and then some, Kyle is the best kind of guest. Low maintenance, little set-up required, and someone you genuinely appreciate having around. There are not many people, if any, I feel this way about hosting. Kyle is the best kind of guest because he plugs and plays into our life seamlessly.

I hope everyone has some sort of Kyle in their lives, someone who adds so much but doesn’t require or demand more than the beauty of your everyday existence. The gift of his presence, without requirement, is what makes truly makes Kyle the best kind of guest.